I want to talk about one of the dark sides of being an autism mom. Grief. Yes, I’m talking about grieving the loss of a child who is very much still with us. This isn’t an easy thing to admit or publicly discuss because I know I am blessed to hold my sweet boy every single day. It’s also important for me to note that I realize my level of these emotions are nowhere near that of someone who has actually suffered the loss of a child—which would be unimaginably devastating. However, I do want special needs parents to know that their feelings of loss are natural, valid, and worth acknowledging.

Leading up to and immediately following Mason’s autism diagnosis, I experienced certain emotions similar to those of someone who has lost a loved one. “Why me?”, “Why MY child?” “Life will never be normal again” and “What would life be like if he didn’t have autism?” were just a few questions that constantly washed over me. Then it hit me—I was grieving the loss of a child I never truly lost. I tried to bury those emotions for a long time but it wasn’t until I embraced and acknowledged them that I began to overcome them. You see, we all have these images in our heads of what our lives will look like down the road—but when life throws us a curveball, that image gets distorted and we’re left wondering where to go from here because this wasn’t a part of “the plan”.

Mason was officially diagnosed in October of 2015 at almost 2.5 years old. It has taken me over 2 years to get to the point where I only occasionally find myself longing for the life I had always imagined. I honestly don’t expect that feeling to ever go away entirely and I’m more okay with that than I ever thought possible. Every week, month, and year that passes, we refine our hopes and dreams to fit our real life, not the life we had imagined when we were children.

To any parents reading this with newly diagnosed children, I just want you to know that every emotion you feel is valid and worth acknowledging. Grief is a process and no two people will experience it in the same exact way. Be kind to yourself and accept that you are doing your absolute best given an often complicated situation. Most importantly, enjoy your child and know that they are very much still here with you, just as they always have been. #masonandme #autismacceptance #autismmomgrief